Sasha and Pasha are those two Russian guys you ALWAYS meet at all-inclusive resorts. Super hot, yet annoying as hell. Super rich, yet cheap as fuck. Super straight, yet bisexual when drunk. How could I resist?
WHAT THEY DID RIGHT
• They opened with a clever compliment I was sunning myself by the pool alone, and they sent over a bottle of Moet Brut champagne with a note that said: “Your show was the most incredible thing we have ever seen! May we audition to be a part of your band? Will work for MBOs.”
(MBO=Mind Blowing Orgasm)
• They didn’t try to one-up each other Originally I was more interested in their older friend Sergei, but he recently got into Kaballah. Sasha and Pasha were generous conversationalists, great story-tellers, authentically interested in everything anyone had to say, and they didn’t try to compete with each other for my attention or attempt to dominate the conversation.
Winners don’t compete.
• They kept me wanting more After about an hour of drinking champagne, and just when Pasha’s shitty Pacino impersonations and Sergei’s poolside yoga poses were starting to get really annoying, Sasha said: “We don’t want to intrude on your alone time and we need to go work out. Will you do us the honor of joining us for dinner tonight?”
• They were bold yet discreet in their seductions While Pasha was ordering us pre-dinner drinks at the bar, and Sergei was busy taking selfies by the giant Buddha, Sasha put his hand on the small of my back and whispered in my ear, “You look even more beautiful tonight than you did last night,” then gently kissed my cheek.
While Sergei was snap-chatting and Sasha (who was sitting to my right) was ordering for the table, Pasha (who was sitting to my left) leaned over, gently pulled the top of my skirt down to cover my knees and whispered, “If you don’t behave at the table, you will not be getting dessert.”
While Sergei prattled on about the book of Zohar, and Pasha fed me hamachi crudo, Sasha kept the conversation going as he surrepettiously raised my skirt, gently moved my panties to the side and began the most exquisite under-the-table tease/please I have ever experienced.
• They were confident in their sexuality While Sergei grilled the waiter on vegan dessert options and Sasha continued speaking about Nabokov’s short stories while Lolita-ing me under the table, Pasha took my left hand in his and began occasionally planting soft kisses on my neck. He eventually put my left hand on his right thigh and began moving his right hand up my left thigh. When he discovered Pasha’s hand already between my legs, they both paused briefly in surprise, then smiled, then began simultaneously caressing me. Then Pasha asked Sergei to explain the 10 Sephirot to us, and Sasha initiated a silent “1-2-3-4, I declare thumb war” on my business. Snakes were allowed.
• They had Molly I’m not saying I did it. I’m just saying they had it.
• They got rid of the cock-blocker They found Sergei a basic bitch who wanted to learn how to surf and we three went back to my room to brush each others’ hair.
• They weren’t afraid of friendly fire Or friendly water either.
WHAT THEY DID WRONG
They kept quoting “The Hangover” Super annoying.
They kept trying to bribe people I guess bribing is a common thing in Moscow and everywhere we went, they would try to slip money to get faster service. It rarely worked because it was always just a “10-spot”. Super cheap.
They kept spanking each others’ asses Which was awesome at first, but got annoying after a while. Super bi.
NSA Lesson: Play well with others.
If you’d like to take me on a date, write DoctorAlex@NeverSleepAlone.com.
If we sleep together, I will tell the world.
This is how we learn.