If you want to be desired, admired, worshipped and adored, you must seduce people into wanting to become a part of your world. Get these Five Essentials for a Fuckable Home to make everyone who walks through your door want to take off their clothes and give you MBOs.
- Sexy Lighting: Install dimmer switches on every single light source in your house, and have candles in every single room. Join Amazon Prime to get inexpensive dimmers and candles delivered right to your door. Have at least 5 candles per room and do a mix of votives, pillars and tapers. NEVER have more than one scented candle per room, and make sure they are spice or citrus based. I buy Dyptique candles. Expensive, but worth every penny. Whenever I light the Pomander , I end up in an MMF threesome. Avoid floral scents or candles that smell like baked goods. These will make people think of grandparents and ex-wives.
- A Cleaning Person: Either invest the money to hire a cleaning person, or invest the time to keep your home immaculately clean. You can also find people with slave fetishes who will gladly clean for free and expect nothing in return. I have had 7 great slaves over the years and they have never once asked me to touch their genitals. I did beat one with a broom one time, but only because he begged, and he had been cleaning my grout with a toothbrush for 3 days straight.
- Music: Get Pandora and pay the damn $4.00 a month so you don’t ruin an MBO with a stupid commercial. Create stations based on Fink, The Velvet Underground, Jose Gonzalez and/or Bat For Lashes. If you don’t have good speakers yet, get this amazing Bose Mini- Speaker. It’s portable with long battery life, so you can easily carry it from room to room. It’s also great for skinny-dipping and making love in Southern Italian grottos.
- Fresh Flowers: One bouquet of FRESH flowers instantly transforms an ordinary room into a romantic and cinematic environment. Never have dying or dried flowers in your house. You are not a bitter old woman or suicidal teenager. Avoid overly fragrant lilies, carnations and other funeral flowers and be sure to change the water daily. Old flower water smells like decaying genitalia.
- Interesting Art: Find amazing art at galleries, flea markets or online, and make your own paintings and sculptures. You should also have beautiful photos of exotic places you’ve been or places you want to go.
Keep a bottle of Perrier-Jouet in the fridge, lots of clean rolled-up towels and extra toothbrushes in the bathroom, and fine linens on your bed at all times. If you’d like to hire me and my team to transform your home, write firstname.lastname@example.org