Monogamy is not a sustainable long-term model.
And perpetual monogamy as an ideal is absolutely preposterous. In these modern times, the idea that ONE human being is capable of satisfying your ever-evolving needs and wants forever and ever is absurd. There is a small chance it COULD happen. You and your partner COULD desire, inspire and satisfy each other and only each other for decades– but long-term monogamy should be considered a rare exception, not a universally desired ideal nor necessary paradigm for sexual and emotional fulfillment.
And you shouldn’t feel like a failure if monogamy isn’t working for you.
Perpetual monogamy was introduced as a desirable and sustainable way of life when the average human lifespan was 40, when sociosexual options were limited to the people who lived in your community, and when daily life was a constant struggle for survival. Today, people live until 80, having the ability to fly anywhere and fuck anyone they want. Yet, for most people, daily life is a constant struggle to not fall asleep at one’s desk. With every passing year, human beings are spending less time having new experiences and making actual discoveries in the real world, and more time sitting on their asses and staring at a screen, trying to keep up with an endless stream of mostly useless information while collecting as many “likes” as possible in a desperate attempt to remain relevant in a rapidly changing virtual reality. As a result, the human body is becoming weaker and less responsive to new stimuli, falling into a state of erotic atrophy and craving comfort and predictability over excitement and activity, while the human brain has developed an insatiable hunger for ever-evolving challenges, constant approval and instant gratification. That’s why most married people would rather play Candy Crush than go down on each other.
Much like the 5 Stages of Grief, there exists 5 Stages of Monogamy:
Stage 1: Discovery
Stage 2: Intimacy
Stage 3: Familiarity
Stage 4: Contempt
Stage 5: Death (Of either yourself, your partner or the relationship)
When a couple first falls in love, there is a euphoric sense of Discovery. Everything feels new and magical, and the world becomes a place of passion and possibility. Those feelings deepen as Intimacy develops, and both partners experience the rush of power that comes with facing new challenges and finding new solutions together as a couple.
With the deepening of trust and the increased knowledge of each other’s bodies, the sex becomes even better than it was during the Discovery stage, and you both have the sort of Mind Blowing Orgasms you’d never thought possible. Your days and nights are spent playing beneath sex-scented sheets, making love for hours, laughing at each other’s jokes, caressing each other’s hair, kissing each other’s eyes, marveling at each other’s perfection, and treating each other with the sort of divine reverence and pampering worship that you haven’t felt since you were an infant. The potent combination of orgasmic fulfillment, emotional security and complete validation creates a sense of power and peace, accompanied by a strong desire for exclusive possession– You don’t want to be with anyone else and you don’t want your partner to be with anyone else. A mutual sense of certainty sets in, and you both you know you want to be together.
But, once you move in together, and your partner becomes a part of your daily routine, Familiarity sets in. You fuck less, and work more. You spend less time in each other’s arms and more time on Facebook. You stop having new experiences and start rehashing old arguments. Your body and brain start associating your partner with responsibility instead of pleasure, and that sense of passion and possibility is replaced with a sense of duty and dread. Comfort and security become annoyance and resentment. “Baby, can I make you breakfast before you go?” soon becomes “Why the fuck didn’t you buy coffee?!” And, if left unchecked, familiarity soon becomes contempt.
And most monogamous couples stay in the contemptuous phase until death do they part.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
If you’re already in Stage 4, Contempt—DEATH IS THE ONLY OPTION.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
You must kill the relationship.
There is NO going back to Stage 1 from Stage 4. If you no longer respect your partner, if you no longer desire your partner, if your partner’s very presence annoys, angers or saddens you, you must complete the cycle, enter into Stage 5-Death, and kill the relationship. By killing the relationship, you open the possibility of rebirth, either with your partner–after a long period of complete separation in which you must recover your individuality, evolve separately, then rediscover each other as completely different people on completely new terms and begin again at Stage 1-or with someone new. Otherwise, you’ll stay in Stage 4 until one of you dies naturally, commits suicide or murders the other. There IS a right way to end a relationship. And trust me, it’s better for everyone involved–especially the kids. Life is too short to be unhappy.
If you’re in Stage 3-Familiarity, there is still hope for the relationship, but you must take drastic measures to reawaken the sense of passion and possibility you felt in Stages 1 and 2. If you’re still in stages 1 or 2, ENJOY every moment of that intense pleasure you’re feeling with each other, but Remain In Power over yourself and inspire each other to be exceptional and live a cinematic and beautiful life filled with new experiences, fearless adventures and erotic explorations. To avoid slipping into the Familiarity stage, I highly recommend couples read my first book, NEVER SLEEP ALONE, complete the non-sexual NSA Challenges separately, discuss their results with each other, and make a commitment to live life according to the 9 NSA Principles, as individuals, and as a couple.
But, how can a couple stay euphorically happy in a monogamous relationship? What should you and your partner do to make sure you stay in stages 1 and 2 and never enter into the Familiarity stage? How do you manage careers, children, and the stress of daily life and still maintain intimacy? How do you get back to Stage 1 when you’re already in Stage 3? How can you evolve erotically as a couple and desire your partner as much as you did at the beginning of the relationship? And if you’re in Stage 4, what’s the right way to kill the relationship in a healthy, respectful and constructive way so that you and your partner don’t damage each other mentally, physically and emotionally but instead emerge from the break up as better people?
I’m writing a book about it.
I’m currently creating a system for sustainable monogamy, which will keep a couple in Stages 1 and 2, loving, desiring and respecting each other, having new experiences and magical adventures, while erotically evolving as a couple and having hot sex and Mind Blowing Orgasms for months, years, decades… maybe even forever. But you should never expect a relationship to last forever–
Forever was never meant to last this long.
I’m now accepting new clients for one-on-one and couples sessions to teach you how to make the most of monogamy. We can work together over Skype or in person to make sure you and your partner don’t regress into mediocrity, but instead have an enviable and exceptional relationship that is sexually, spiritually and emotionally fulfilling for both of you.
Monogamy doesn’t have to suck.
Write me at DoctorAlex@NeverSleepAlone.com.
Tomorrow your genitals could turn to dust.