Most men who have never actually read 50 Shades of Grey dismiss it as “mommy porn” or “cliterature”. Nearly every woman who has read it would rather spend her night masturbating to thoughts of Christian Grey skillfully banging her brains out than endure another uninspired and orgasmless fuck from the sexually clueless man she’s been screwing for a week, dating for 6 months, or been married to since high school. I encourage men of all ages, races and socioeconomic backgrounds to read, learn, and do as Christian does.
1. Be Articulate and Attentive: Christian Grey convinces innocent Ana to engage in deviant sexual behavior because he is an articulate and attentive communicator. Though he is running a billion dollar corporation, he still finds time to send Ana an average of eight well-composed emails per day. If you could manage to send a properly punctuated text message or two before 11pm and without including a gross photo of your dick, maybe then she would actually want to suck it.
2. Be A Gentleman: Christian remembers Ana’s favorite color, favorite band, and favorite flavor of Twining’s tea. He surprises her with thoughtful gifts, takes her on elaborate dates, braids her hair and shaves her pubes for her. Because he treats her like a perfect princess out of the bedroom, she’s more than willing to be a submissive slutbag in the bedroom. If you want her to try anal, you need to remember her birthday.
3. Dress Well: Ditch the H & M and get some Hugo Boss. Women get wet for men in suits.
4. Be A Good Master: A hard spanking should be followed by a baby oil massage, rough fucks should be should followed by bubble baths, and butt plugs should be preceded by poetry.
5. It’s All About The MBO: Christian always gives Ana at least one Mind Blowing Orgasm before he busts a nut. If you’re clueless about female orgasms, watch lesbian porn, ask your sluttiest aunt, or hire a prostitute to teach you things. Most women need oral and aural stimulation to climax. Kiss her everywhere and whisper in her ear her how beautiful she is, how amazing she tastes, how perfect she feels on your hand/mouth/cock, etc. Take time to tease her, please her, and build up to the MBO. The slower you go, the faster she comes.