Dear Dr. Alex,
I’m a 38 year old man, happily married to my high school sweetheart. I’m very interested in getting into the BDSM scene, but I don’t know how to broach the topic with my wife. She’s a good Christian woman and the mother of my three children and I don’t know how she’d take it. There’s a few parties coming up in the area and I’d really like to go. How do I get her to come with me, or let me go by myself?
Curious In The Carolinas,
Dear Curious In The Carolinas,
If you are the submissive type and you want to get the living shit kicked out of you, then telling your good Christian wife that you want to go to a BDSM party will probably get you what you want. If, however, BDSM is something you actually want to explore with your wife, DO NOT begin by asking her if she wants to go to a kinky sex party!
If you begin that way, she will immediately freak out. She will ask you HOW you even heard about this party, WHO told you about this kind of weirdo sex, WHY isn’t the kind of sex she has with you good enough?!, etc. This woman has had sex with you and only you her whole life. She has forsworn other men and other experiences, denied her secret sexual urges, given her body and devoted herself to carrying, birthing and raising your three children according to the strict morals of the Christian faith. If she finds out you have been exploring your deep, dark fantasies without her, she is going to be hurt, suspicious and angry.
I don’t know just how Christian you and your wife are, or how far you want to go with BDSM, but if you don’t want to ruin your marriage and you DO want your wife to explore this with you, I suggest you follow my advice. This week, I’m going to tell you exactly how to introduce your wife to the world of BDSM and explore your fantasies together in a safe and beautiful way that will bring you closer together as a couple, rather than tearing you apart.
But, please, if you haven’t already, clear the internet history on your computer, phone and any other devices she has access to. Hopefully, she hasn’t already stumbled across your BDSM browsings. Hell hath no fury like a perpetually monogamous woman who discovers her husband’s porn predilections.
More soon, but tonight, I want you to come up behind your wife in the kitchen, place your hands on her hips, and whisper into her ear, “Is your favorite color still ______?” When she asks you “Why?”, kiss her gently on the cheek and whisper, “You’ll see…”