Nobody wants to have a sexual encounter in an apartment that looks like that. If you want to Never Sleep Alone, you must inspire and seduce everyone around you into wanting to become a part of your world. Your home is the most important part of that world. You must be inspired and turned on by your own environment, and the second someone walks through your door, they must feel like they are entering the magical, sensual world of an Exceptional Individual.
Therefore, you must eliminate all of the anti-sensual shit that most people usually have in their homes and create a unique and exquisite environment that is cinematically beautiful and appeals to the five senses of sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch.
You Must Eliminate This Shit From Your Home
Dirty Laundry, Dirty Dishes, Dirty Litter Boxes, Dirty Pets*, Dirty Anything: It’s gross. Clean it, hide it, or euthanize it.
Florescent Lighting: It makes everyone look horrible and feel gross. Overhead lighting of any kind is a bad idea.
Magazines, Newspapers or Books In the Bathroom: Nobody wants to think of you reading on the toilet.
Photos of exes, photos of you when you were much younger, photos of dead pets: This implies that you are holding on to the past, which is very depressing and very unattractive. And don’t display your graduation photos. No matter how recent it was, it’s just sad to think you’re still holding on to that day. Get a new high point.
Stuffed Animals, Toys, Dolls, or Action Figures: Grow up
This photo is of the same exact apartment, cleaned up and styled. THAT’s a bed people would want to give you an MBO in.
Remember the NSA Principle of STAR?
STAR= Style Transcends Actual Reality.
Essentials for an Exquisite Environment
If you want to Never Sleep Alone, whether you are a male or a female, you must have the essential elements and items listed below in your home:
Candles: Candles instantly transform the appearance of a home and create a warm and sensual environment. Candlelight is also the most flattering light for the human face and body.
Music: You should always have at least three hours of diverse, inspiring, and sensual music ready to play the second you arrive home. Always play music through a decent set of speakers, or a stereo system. Computer sound is depressing.
So much better.
Champagne, Wine, Basic Liquors, and Non-Alcoholic Beverages: Offer the champagne or wine first with the less cinematic liquor and beer as a backup option. If your guest doesn’t want to drink any alcohol, DBA about it.
Fresh Flowers and Live Plants: One bouquet of fresh flowers instantly transforms an ordinary room into a cinematic environment and implies that you are an Exceptional and Romantic Individual. Fresh cut flowers make people think of cobblestone streets, vintage bicycles, and afternoons spent in the outskirts of Paris making sweet love in secret gardens under the warm spring sun. Never have dying flowers or plants in your house. No dried flowers, either. Dried flowers are the decoration of choice for suicidal teenagers and bitter old women. They will make people unconsciously think of dying animals and decaying genitalia.
A bowl of fresh fruit: Always keep a bowl of real fresh fruit on your kitchen table or counter. Looking at fruit makes people think about oral sex. Eating fruit (especially pineapple!) makes people’s genitals taste amazing. WAW.
Coffee and Tea: Most people want coffee or tea in the morning. You must have these on hand in case someone spends the night.
Extra Toothbrushes: Because using a finger as a toothbrush is unsanitary and depressing.
See you tonight at Joe’s Pub, New York City at 9:30pm. There are less than ten tickets left. If you’re coming, get them now by clicking the yellow button.